Ah, family gatherings—the perfect storm of passive-aggressive comments, unsolicited life advice, and Uncle Bob inevitably trying to turn the conversation toward politics. But fear not: there’s a way to survive Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any holiday dinner without descending into a heated debate about politics, taxes, or who’s the worst at paying back borrowed money. The secret? Pointless but harmless debates. Yes, the kind that make everyone roll their eyes while secretly enjoying the distraction.
These debates are the intellectual equivalent of bubble wrap: satisfying, completely useless, and utterly safe for family consumption. You get to be smug, funny, and just controversial enough to spark chatter—without anyone storming off in a huff.
Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?
Let’s start strong. If you want to see your relatives’ hidden personalities emerge, nothing works quite like a discussion about John McClane and his questionable holiday cheer. Some will defend the movie as a quintessential Christmas classic because it takes place during a Christmas party. Others will argue that unless Santa Claus, snow angels, or awkward office Secret Santa gifts are involved, it’s just an action movie with festive decorations.
Fun twist: ask each family member to rank all Bruce Willis movies by “holiday spirit.” Bonus points if someone tries to convince you that Pulp Fiction is also a Christmas movie because there’s a brief mention of December.
The Ultimate Breakfast Debate: Pancakes vs. Waffles
Sure, people eat pancakes and waffles, but have you ever really debated which reigns supreme? Waffles offer that satisfying grid crunch, but pancakes are soft, fluffy, and practically a syrup sponge. Suddenly, your grandma is passionately arguing that pancakes are superior because she “just can’t get the syrup to stay in the waffle pockets,” and your cousin is defending waffles like it’s a matter of life and death.
Tip: Ask about the best type of pancakes or waffles. Turn it into a breakfast tournament bracket: Blueberry pancakes vs. chocolate chip waffles. Winner vs. chocolate pancakes.
Cats vs Dogs (or Hamsters)
Is your uncle a dog person who thinks cats are “mean” or “judging everyone?” Is your cousin convinced that dogs are too needy and hard to take care of? Is anyone afraid of rats, snakes, or spiders? Bust out a Youtube video showcasing these animals as great pets.
Ask follow-up questions like “Which pet would survive a zombie apocalypse?” or “Which animal would make the best president?”
Pineapple on Pizza
Nothing divides families quite like pineapple on pizza. Some will insist fruit has no business on cheese and dough, while others will defend the tropical delight as the perfect balance of sweet and savory.
Extra credit: escalate to a full pizza toppings hierarchy. Is anchovy worse than pineapple? What about olives? Suddenly, your family is rethinking their entire culinary worldview, and everyone has temporarily forgotten about political rants.
Which Superhero Would Win in a Fight?
If your family is mildly nerdy, this debate is a goldmine. Batman vs. Iron Man? Wonder Woman vs. Captain Marvel? Spider-Man vs. Deadpool? The rules are simple: everyone gets one argument, and logic is optional. You may also throw in obscure superheroes just to confuse the conversation further.
If you have Millennial family members who like anime, ask if Goku could beat Superman.
The Great Sports Debate
If your family is into sports, this is a perfect distraction. “Who is the best football team?” or “Which NBA player is the greatest?” Sports debates make great distractions because many people are super passionate about their favorite teams. No one wants to listen to Uncle Bob rant about Republicans vs Democrats when they’re busy discussing the heated rivalries of Yankees vs. Red Sox (MLB), Lakers vs. Celtics (NBA), and Michigan vs. Ohio State (College Football).
Movie vs Book: The Eternal Battle
Pick any popular movie adaptation and watch as your family argues over which is superior. Harry Potter? The Lord of the Rings? Suddenly, your uncle who “doesn’t read” is defending cinematic liberties, your cousin is crying over omitted plotlines, and your mom insists that the book was obviously better because she said so.
Weird “Would You Rather” Questions
Here’s a fun tactic: throw out totally bizarre “Would you rather” scenarios. Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? Would you rather live without music or without dessert? The beauty of these questions is that there’s no right answer, but the discussions often spiral into hilarious hypotheticals.
Pointless Arguments, Maximum Fun
The beauty of these debates is twofold. First. They’re entertaining. Watching your family get heated over something as harmless as waffles vs. pancakes is infinitely more fun than talking about politics or the economy.
Second. They’re safe. There may be some playful teasing, but no one is getting dragged through the mud. Liking a different sports team doesn’t suddenly mean you’re against everything the rest of your family values.
So, next time Aunt Karen starts in on how “everything used to be better,” deflect with a question like, “Do you think Santa would survive a Die Hard-style heist?” You’ve officially elevated the dinner conversation from tension to nonsense.
Remember, the goal isn’t to win the debate—it’s to distract, entertain, and maybe discover which family member would survive a zombie apocalypse armed with only a waffle iron.