Tucson, Arizona: a city of saguaros, breathtaking sunsets, and heat so intense it feels like you’ve accidentally stepped into the business end of a solar flare. People say it’s “a dry heat,” as if that somehow excuses the fact that you can fry an egg on your driveway before breakfast. At some point, you have to wonder—are we sure Tucson isn’t just three miles from the sun? Here’s the evidence.
1. Asphalt Melts Like Chocolate Chips
In most cities, asphalt is a sturdy material meant to withstand cars, trucks, and the occasional kid on a bike. In Tucson, it’s more like a marshmallow in a campfire. Park your car too long, and the tires sink into the pavement like cookies in warm milk.
2. Your Steering Wheel Is a Branding Iron
Forget anti-theft devices. Tucson drivers know the real deterrent is the steering wheel itself. Touch it at noon without oven mitts, and you’ll leave the car with third-degree burns. Local tip: residents start their cars with chopsticks just to survive the commute.
3. Shade Is Treated Like Gold
Tucsonans know the value of shade better than Wall Street knows the value of gold. Parking lots with trees are battlegrounds. People will circle for hours just to snag a spot where the sun doesn’t blast their dashboard into molten lava.
4. Water Bottles Double as Tea Kettles
Leave a water bottle in your car, and within an hour you’re brewing herbal tea. By mid-afternoon, you’ve got soup. Who needs a stovetop when the sun cooks everything for free?
5. Locals Are Basically Lizards
Visit Tucson in July, and you’ll notice something odd: people are out jogging, hiking, and biking in triple-digit heat like it’s perfectly normal. Either they’ve developed desert-adapted scales, or they’ve just accepted that sweating buckets is a lifestyle.
6. The Sun Sets, but the Heat Doesn’t
You’d think the desert would cool off at night. Tucson laughs at your naïve optimism. At midnight, it’s still hotter than most summer afternoons in other states. Walking outside after dark feels like opening an oven to check on your cookies—if your oven were the size of a city.
7. The Official State Bird? The Ceiling Fan
Tucson homes don’t just have ceiling fans—they have industrial-strength propellers spinning in every room, working desperately to keep residents from liquefying into human puddles. Without AC and fans, survival would be measured in minutes.
NASA’s Official Conclusion
While mainstream science insists Tucson remains firmly on Earth, our field team recommends that visitors treat the city as though it lies just three miles from the sun. Suggested precautions include:
- SPF 10,000 sunscreen.
- A gallon of water per hour.
- Protective heat-shield suits rated for spacewalks.
Conclusion: Tucson vs. the Sun
While scientists insist Tucson is technically 92 million miles away from the sun, anyone who’s lived there in July knows better. Whether it’s asphalt that melts underfoot or steering wheels that double as torture devices, the evidence is clear: Tucson might as well be parked three miles from our nearest star.
So if you ever plan a trip, bring sunscreen, a gallon of water, and maybe a space suit. You’re going to need it.