Author: MaryClare Macfie

I need to tell someone about Greg. Greg moved in next door six months ago, and I’m 100% certain he’s from the future. But here’s the thing: he’s TERRIBLE at blending in, and it’s driving me insane that nobody else notices.

Red Flag #1: The Technology Confusion

Last month, Greg knocked on my door asking if I had a “communication rectangle” he could borrow. I stared at him. He stared back. Finally, he said, “You know… for talking to people far away?”

“You mean… a phone?”

“YES! A phone. I knew that.” He did not know that.

He proceeded to hold my iPhone upside down and speak into the charging port. When I corrected him, he said, “Right, right. Old habits.” WHAT OLD HABITS, GREG?

The Clothing Situation

Greg wears normal clothes, but they’re always slightly wrong. Like, he’ll show up in a winter coat when it’s 85 degrees, then act surprised when I mention it. “Is it? The weather is so unpredictable these days!” he’ll say, while sweating profusely.

Last week, he wore a tie-dye shirt to a cookout and kept asking everyone if they “enjoyed the revolution.” When someone said, “What revolution?” he panicked and said, “The… fitness revolution! Peloton! Am I right?” while doing awkward finger guns.

Nobody asked him about Peloton, Greg.

He Doesn’t Understand Basic Social Norms

Greg acts like he learned human interaction from a textbook written by aliens. When my other neighbor mentioned her cat died, Greg said, “Ah yes, the mortality of domesticated animals! This is expected!”

WHO SAYS THAT?

At the neighborhood block party, he brought a casserole that was just… rectangular protein bars arranged in a pan. When someone asked what it was, he called it “nutrient allocation” and seemed genuinely confused why nobody wanted any.

He also high-fives like he’s never done it before—just full-palm slapping people’s hands way too hard while making intense eye contact and saying, “Successful social gesture completed!”

The Slip-Ups

The real evidence came two weeks ago. We were talking about the Super Bowl, and Greg said, “Oh yes, I remember when they still played those.”

“Still played what?”

Long pause. “Football. Which they still play. Currently. In the present.”

Then last Tuesday, he asked me if I was “preparing for the water shortages of 2031.” When I gave him a look, he quickly added, “I mean… POTENTIALLY. If climate change continues. Which is a concern. Now. In 2026.”

TOO SPECIFIC, GREG.

The Breaking Point

Yesterday was the final straw. I saw Greg in his backyard, talking into what looked like a modified garage door opener. I swear I heard him say, “Temporal coordinates are locked. Requesting extraction from timeline 7-B.”

When he saw me watching, he held it up and yelled, “JUST CHECKING MY… BLOOD SUGAR! I have diabetes!”

You don’t check blood sugar by speaking into it, Greg.

Nobody Will Listen

I told my wife about this. She said Greg is “just quirky” and that I “need a hobby.”

I HAVE A HOBBY. It’s CATCHING TIME TRAVELERS WHO ARE BAD AT THEIR JOBS.

I’m watching you, Greg. Whatever you’re doing in 2026, I hope it’s worth the awkwardness. Also, please learn how to use a phone correctly. It’s embarrassing for both of us.

Hear me out. I know this sounds crazy, but after three years of eating lunch in the same park, I’ve collected enough evidence to prove that pigeons are not the bumbling idiots we think they are. They’re organized. They’re strategic. And they’re absolutely robbing us blind.

The Bread Incident

It started innocently enough. I was eating a sandwich when a pigeon waddled up, doing that head-bobbing thing they do. Cute, right? Wrong. That was reconnaissance.

Within seconds, TWELVE MORE PIGEONS appeared out of nowhere. Not gradually. All at once. Like they’d been waiting for a signal. One grabbed my sandwich. Another went for my chips. A third created a diversion by flying directly at my face while the others ransacked my lunch bag.

This wasn’t random chaos. This was a coordinated heist with designated roles: scouts, enforcers, and what I can only describe as a “getaway pigeon” who flew off with my entire bag of Doritos.

The Evidence Mounts

I started paying attention. Every Tuesday at 12:47 PM, the same group of pigeons gathers near the fountain. They huddle. They coo in what I’m now convinced is some kind of briefing. Then they disperse to different areas of the park—always the same pigeons to the same zones.

TERRITORIES. They have territories.

Last week, I watched a rogue pigeon try to steal food from the wrong bench. Three other pigeons immediately descended on him like tiny feathered mobsters. There was aggressive cooing. There was wing flapping. The intruder left. Fast.

The Hierarchy Is Real

There’s one pigeon—I call him The Godpigeon—who’s clearly in charge. He’s fatter than the others. He never does his own dirty work. He just watches from the statue while younger pigeons bring him food. BRING. HIM. FOOD.

Other pigeons literally approach him with offerings. He inspects each one with a dismissive head tilt, then either accepts or rejects it. If he rejects it, that pigeon has to try again with something better.

This is a protection racket. I’m sure of it.

Nobody Believes Me

I tried explaining this to my friend Marcus. He said, “They’re just birds, dude. They’re hungry.”

NO, MARCUS. Hungry birds don’t have a command structure. Hungry birds don’t conduct surveillance. Hungry birds don’t have a fat boss who sits on a statue like a tiny Don Corleone.

My girlfriend suggested I “take a break from true crime podcasts.” But I know what I’ve seen. The pigeons are watching. The pigeons are planning. And when they finally make their move, don’t say I didn’t warn you.