You need to log in. You type the password with total confidence.
Wrong.
You type it again, slower, in case your fingers were the problem.
Wrong.
The Mental Inventory
Okay. It’s one of six. There’s the old one, the old one with a 1, the old one with a capital letter, the one with the exclamation point, the one you made after they forced you to add a symbol, and the completely unhinged one you made at 11pm in a hurry.
You try all six. You get locked out after five.
The Reset
“Forgot password?”
Yes. Obviously. It’s the most honest button on the internet.
You get the email. You click the link. You type your new password.
“Cannot be a previously used password.”
You have been defeated by your own history. The system remembers you better than you remember yourself.
The Requirements Gauntlet
8 characters minimum. One uppercase. One number. One special character.
You submit. “Cannot contain your email address.”
You submit again. “Cannot contain sequential characters.”
You submit again. “Password too weak.”
It is 14 characters long and contains a symbol you had to find on the second keyboard screen. It is not weak. It is a fortress. The site is lying.
The One That Works
You finally land on something. You’ll never remember it. You know you’ll never remember it, even as you’re typing it.
“Would you like to save this password?”
Yes. God, yes. Save it. Please.
You have now outsourced your entire identity to a browser and you are at peace with this.
The Two-Factor Twist
You’re in! No, wait. Code sent to your phone.
The code arrives. It’s six digits. You have thirty seconds.
You read the first three, look at the screen, forget the last three, look back at your phone, and the code has expired.
Resend. You do it again, faster, muttering the numbers out loud like a lunatic.
The Security Question
Some sites still do this. “What was your first pet’s name?”
You had a dog and a fish. You don’t remember which one you picked. You don’t remember if you capitalized it. You don’t remember if you spelled it right, because it was a dog and dogs don’t check.
You get it wrong. You get locked out again.
Four Months Later
You come back to the site. You type your password with total confidence.
Wrong.
Welcome back. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change.
The cycle is the product.